Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Life Goes On...

Its kind of scary how one minute everything could seem so perfect and the very next minute that could all change… I guess I never thought it would happen to “me” I had heard of these things before and my heart broke every time but when it hits home it truly shakes you to the core.

On Thursday night our second pregnancy came to an end…. we were told that our baby’s heart had stopped beating and there was no fetal activity….those words are still ringing in my ears. It was extremely hard because just one week ago we saw the baby moving around & the heart beating, our doctor said at that time things looked great., we were so relieved and thought we were “in the clear.”

These things happen from time to time and mostly because there is something wrong with the developing fetus…the doctors reassured us that it was nothing that I did to make this happen but its hard not to question my every move…"was it the cold I caught last month??….was it from sleeping on my back???….was it from climbing through the playscapes with Blake??”….I know deep down it wasn’t me, but at a time like this it’s hard not to question yourself, & mostly your faith...and the problem with this is that at times like these its when you most need your faith and faith in yourself….

We are all hurting and we are sure that it will take time to heal but we know that this has happened for a reason….when I look into the eyes of our beautiful son I can understand how God would want to have an angel just like him as his own & I understand that this baby is now with God watching over us & out of harms way. This has happened for reasons we will never truly understand, I know that it was meant to be and I am at peace knowing this and knowing that I have a beautiful, loving, healthy family right here in front of me & my boys are more than I could ever ask for.

So, while I am sad to have to share this news I am happy because I know that I will get through this because of my faith and the amazing people in my life that have supported me & my family in ways that we will forever be grateful for. I know that God will never give me anything that I can’t handle and though I might not understand exactly why I know that it just must be part of a bigger plan…at times like these you must stop to reflect on how lucky you really are. My eyes have been opened to see even further what a miracle life truly is, I have always loved my son so much and I didn’t think it was possible to love him any more but the past few days my love for this child has grown in some many ways…it almost feels like my heart could explode. Every time I hold his tiny hand, hear his tiny voice, or look into to his angelic little face I am reminded of how incredibly blessed I am, how fragile life is, and how I will never ever take for granted what I have.